If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
