you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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