I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize