I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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