oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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