Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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