hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
