i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
