I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
