matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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