I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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