Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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