dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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