well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Let the clothes fall where they may.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
