Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
my liver is dry heaving
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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