I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
