my vag is so smooth its legendary
Welp...herpes.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
3 2 1 whiskey
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
