My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
