I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
