Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
