HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
