I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
