really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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