all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
