We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
