omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
