Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
