So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
