I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
