shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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