the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
