for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
