Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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