I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
