Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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