I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
