Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
