can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
