I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
