I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
