apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My liver just had a heart attack.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize