My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
