I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
