Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
