Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
a search helicopter?!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
