my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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