God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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