I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
3pm strippers are depressing
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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