I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
