I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
