I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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