omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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