I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
