Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
