last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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