dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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