i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
