She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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