I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
