So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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