I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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